Fiction Book

Review of Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone

Mathew Hopkins
Mathew Hopkins, The Witch Finder General Reviews Harry Potter

By Matthew Hopkins, Witchfinder General (retired in death, not in duty)

Upon opening this so-called children’s tale, I was at first hopeful. A narrative so unabashed in its declaration that the boy, Harry Potter, is a wizard is either a bold confession or a cleverly masked trap. As I read on, it became dreadfully clear: this is not a warning, but a recruitment manual. It is the propaganda of the devil!

The book begins with young Potter surviving a deadly curse. Curious. I have interrogated many witches in my time who likewise escaped fire and sword through unnatural means. Such individuals were always in league with infernal powers. The boy bears a lightning-shaped scar, clearly a sigil, a mark of covenant with a demon, spirit or wooly creature.

What follows is a grotesque celebration of sorcery. The so-called “Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry” is nothing less than a diabolical seminary, where children are trained in hexes, necromancy, transmutation, and other evils. And for a respectable school there is a remarkable lack of beating being conducted. Suspicious indeed.

The morality of this tale is inverted. Disobedience is rewarded. Rule-breaking is valorized. Women’s opinions and plans are given preference!

In my day, a book like this would be burned. Not for its poor prose, it reads passably well for what purports to be a children’s entertainment but for its unrepentant glorification of witchcraft. If I had encountered young Master Potter in East Anglia, I’d have floated him in a pond, examined him for marks, and very likely found his scar whispering secrets in tongues not meant for Christian ears.

Verdict & Final Score: One noose, well-oiled.
Let none say I did not warn thee. The Devil wears spectacles now, and writes for children.

Should one be inclined, whether by idle fancy or the tempting allure of the occult, to procure a copy of Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone, it may be obtained here. In so doing, The Posthumous Review—that curious congregation of ungodly ink-stained revenants shall receive a farthing or two in quiet compensation. A trifling sum, yet enough, perhaps, to keep the candles lit and the spirits talking.

MathewHopkins

Witchfinder General (Emeritus), Occult Critic, Reluctant Contributor Matthew Hopkins (c. 1620–1647) rose to grim prominence in 17th-century England as the self-appointed Witchfinder General, a title he granted himself without royal warrant but with great enthusiasm. During his brief and blood-soaked career, he presided over the most intense witch-hunting frenzy in English history, ensuring the deaths of more alleged sorcerers in three years than had been executed in the previous century. He was, by all accounts, a man of conviction—though what precisely he was convicted of remains an open question. Now writing exclusively for The Posthumous Review, Hopkins brings his unique critical lens to bear on works of modern magic, devilry, and light children’s literature. He has an eye for corruption, a nose for brimstone, and a near-supernatural ability to detect narrative blasphemy. Illiteracy never stopped him before, and it certainly won’t now.